I have learnt to cry softly. Crying is like screaming: it hurts but it makes you feel better.

I was hailed as some kind of Superwoman by relatives and friends alike. I was strong and invincible, they said.

To me the shoes were too big fill, but I have to fill them anyway. I have to put on a brave front all the time, smiling and laughing, if only to hide the tears in my eyes.

But emotionally, the memories and images and details of that experience are weighing me down. They are like dark clouds hanging over me.

But I have to be strong-at least in everyone's eyes. I just cannot show them how scared I was or how weak I sometimes feel.

I cannot tell my family anything. I cannot tell my significant other how much I need him. I can't talk to anyone. I can't keep on bringing up what is hurting me because it hurts them also. I know they are struggling, too. And I just can't bear to see sadness in their eyes-especially, if it's because of me.

So as time passes I learn to keep my mouth shut and smile. But sometimes, my smile hurts too much from the effort.

And every time I look in the mirror, I feel like crying, for I see my pain, suffering and frustration. It is overwhelming.

So I lie awake while everybody else sleeps, and let the tears fall down freely. Somehow this lifts some weight off my chest. I am tired of feeling so heavy, tired of being so strong.

I am becoming elusive. I detach myself from the people I love most. And they mistake it for coldness and insensitivity. They think that I don't care at all.

I push them away like I did all the others, when in truth, all I really want is to touch them, to hold em in my arms, tell them how much I love and need them and how they mean the world to me. Still I know I can't keep them close for then they would see the real me. I cant hold em tight for then they would see through me. I can't hold em at all.

They don't know that Superwoman isn't all that strong. I get depressed and frustrated, but I have to hide my feelings. Everybody's watching. They look up to me, and I can't let them down and lose face.

To me, my family and my significant other are the real heroes of this story. The strength I have I get from all of them. Every time the thought of giving up creeps in, I think of them and then I don't feel like giving up anymore. Surrender ceases to be an option.

But now I feel that I'm losing them one by one. And that hurts. But what hurts me most is not being able to tell them how I truly feel inside. I have built walls between us. I feel so alone, lonely and empty. Trapped and stuck in such a strange world. And I have nowhere to go.

But I have to go on and be strong, the way they expect me to be. If only for them, I will continue fighting. I will not give up. I have fought so hard to live and not to die, and I will keep on fighting.

Still I wish for that one day to come when everything will be just like it was then, when everything will be all right again. I want to fall down laughing and smile my biggest smile. I want to hear screams of delight. I want to have fun. I want to hold em all close. I want to see happiness when I look into my eyes. I don't want to be scared anymore. I want to love, be loved and not fear rejection. To laugh, love, live and learn.

I want to be alive on my own terms. I want to finally be able to freely express my emotions. I want to believe that I don't have to hide anything from anyone anymore. And when I look back, I wish I will feel no more frustrations and no more pain - just memories that would help me and sustain me.

If only someone would hold em now.